Mar.11.2010
9:38 pm
by Guest
You Know Who I Am
Mitch Mayne is a gay Latter-day Saint living in the San Francisco Bay Area. He originally shared this story as part of a group of meetings in the Oakland and Walnut Creek, California Stakes. He is currently writing a book about his experiences growing up as a gay Mormon, and this writing will appear in his book.
You know who I am. You have sat next to me in meetings. You have greeted me with warmth when I’ve come to church. You have heard my voice in prayer.
Yet, I wonder how many of you would treat me less kindly if you knew the truth of who I really am. I wonder if you would judge me—however mildly, however inadvertently, however silently.
Being honest about who I am has seldom led to a positive outcome. In my home, my father told me that my being gay was his ultimate fear, and my ultimate failure. My mother told me it would have been better for her if I’d been born dead than gay. Growing up, I was scorned on the playground, and ridiculed and bullied in the classroom. I have been fired from jobs because I am gay. At times, even though I had done nothing that would have disqualified me, I have been told by Church leaders that I am unworthy of ever taking the Sacrament. I have been told that I will never work with the youth of the Church. I have been told in meetings that it is because of people like me that the AIDS pandemic has come upon the Earth—that my sins are bringing punishment upon the wicked and the sinless alike.
It has not been an easy path, nor a path I would wish for anyone. But it is my path. And it has made me who I am today. I am, in fact, grateful for being gay. It has given me levels of compassion, understanding, patience, and forgiveness that I would never have developed otherwise.
Many Sundays, I look out at you across the congregation: young families, with your brood of wonderful and rambunctious children; mid-life couples with your fledgling children, offering them support as they leave the nest; husbands and wives who’ve shared this earthly path together for years, with your memories of lifelong love and companionship. And I know I will never have those things. If I am to live by Church doctrine, I am relegated to a life of solitude, and my sentence is to grow old and leave this world alone.
Those are painful realizations for me. Yet when the Sacrament is passed, when I bow my head and speak my sorrow to my Heavenly Father, something grand happens. Almost without exception, a feeling washes over me from deep inside my soul. A tender, warm, yet powerful feeling—and an unmistakable voice that tells me, “You belong here.” Not when I have it all figured out, not if I could become straight, not when I know all the answers—but today, right here, right now. With you. That, my dear brothers and sisters, is why I am Mormon. Because I belong here.
Being a child of my Heavenly Father was not a choice. Being gay is not a choice. Both things simply are. Both things are intertwined into the DNA of my soul so deeply that you could not extricate one from the other without destroying who I am. They are, in fact, who I am.
I am a gay Latter-day Saint.
I don’t want pity. To pity me is to make me a victim. I want understanding. To understand me, is to love me as an equal.
I don’t want tolerance. If I am tolerated, I am disliked or feared in some way. I want respect as a fellow striving child of God—an equal in His eyes.
I don’t want acceptance. To accept me is to graciously grant me the favor of your company. To accept me is to marginalize me with the assumption that I am less than you. I am your peer. I am neither above you nor below you.
I don’t want judgment. My path may be different than yours, but it is a plan built for me by a power greater than any of us in this room. To judge me is to judge the designer of that path.
I don’t want to be labeled as “afflicted” or “suffering” or “struggling.” I do not have an illness that requires my soul be mended. I want to be recognized, like you, as a whole person, just as my Heavenly Father made me. I have suffered no affliction by His hand; I have, however, suffered affliction at the hands of others, including my brothers and sisters in the gospel.
I do not want to be viewed as a mistake. My path on this Earth was prescribed uniquely for me, just as yours was for you. It was designed to give me the experiences I need to grow as a child of my Heavenly Father. To view me as a mistake is to view Him as a maker of mistakes.
On a cosmetic level, we are very different, you and I. You have spouses, or the opportunity for spouses, I do not. You have children, or the opportunity for children, I do not. You are attracted to those of the opposite gender, I am attracted to those of my same gender.
What I want most of all is for you to look past the superficial and the cosmetic. I want you to look at what makes us the same: the simple fact that we are all children of our Heavenly Father, and we are striving day to day to understand how to best do His will, and how to return to Him. It is that simple sameness, brothers and sisters, that weighs more than all the differences in His universe.
You know who I am. You have sat next to me in meetings. You have greeted me with warmth when I’ve come to Church. You have heard my voice in prayer. And now, you have heard my truth.
Filed in Help & Support - LDS, gay, homosexuality, mormons |
Thank you, Mitch, for sharing your story here.
I appreciate it very much.
Mitch, by sharing your story, your are lighting the path for other gay men and women of faith to be their authentic selves. What loving and benevolent God would not want that for each and every one of us?
I am so proud to call you friend.
Mitch,
Chills through and through reading your post. Thank you for your authenticity. Thank you for not being afraid to tell us Who You ARE! I posted a link to this article on a thread I’m following on Amazon.com that began as a post about my book The Spell of Religion and the Battle Over Gay Marriage. I hope it opens some minds and hearts.
Blessings,
Sheri
Mitch, you’ve used beautiful words to describe your truth and perspective. When will church doctrine get with it and be accepting of differences. You deserve to have a voice. To be treated as you treat others and yes, to be married and to have children (some of the most well-rounded families I know are headed by same-gendered parents). Peace be with you.
Beautifully written! So simple and so honest.
“I am, in fact, grateful for being gay. It has given me levels of compassion, understanding, patience, and forgiveness that I would never have developed otherwise.”
This really resonated with me. I am thankful for my sexual orientation. It took me a long time to say it, but I am thankful for it. It wasn’t God’s mistake. I think it was a blessing from God. He made me gay because he loves me. I think you hit it right on the head with the depth motif. I think being a gay Mormon makes you dig to the bottom to why you are really doing what you are doing. The fiery furnace burns away all the fluff. Social pressure, heritage, and routine go up in smoke under the pressures of being a gay Mormon. All you are left with is the real reason why you go - the still small voice that says we belong.
Know you are not alone. Maybe the person sitting next to you is the same boat. There are many of us faithful Latter-day Saints in the bay area. Thanks for being a voice for us!
Beautiful Mitch. Thank you.
Very touching. Know that there are those of us out there that love and support you. I firmly believe that those who love others and withhold judgment and live by the Spirit of the Law are more pleasing to God than those who blindly live by the letter, without compassion or understanding of others who are different. You are loved.
You say that if you are to live by church doctrine you will be denied a family with children? You really are confused and about more than just gender, the church wants you to marry to the opposite sex so that you can have children and a family. How else are you supposed to have a family-if everyone in our society chose homosexuality there would be no children.
Chose homosexuality? Are you trying to say the homosexuals choose to be? if not, then I am confused by your post.
Sheryl
L. Glover -
First of all, last I checked those choosing homosexuality are in a huge, HUGE minority, so don’t worry about the continuance of our society. There are enough people choosing heterosexuality every minute of every day that we’ll keep our planet well populated as long as we can sustain ourselves on it.
That being said, there are lots of homosexual parents with children, especially in California where Mitch lives, and none of those children were accidentally conceived and brought into their families. However, these kinds of families with children, whether created by assisted fertilization techniques or by adoption are not really options for gay/lesbian LDS members. Currently the LDS Church says homosexuals are to remain celibate and single (well, not married to someone of the same sex) if they want to remain members in good standing. Celibate members cannot have children of their own by definition. Single members cannot have children sealed to them, so even if children are adopted they cannot be part of an eternal family if the parents are not a heterosexual, married and sealed couple.
And the advice for gay/lesbian church members regarding marriage has tempered over the years. Church leaders have recognized the very difficult path it is for gay members to marry straight members, and as such they’ve encouraged gay members to think long and hard about whether they should marry in this life and try to act heterosexual. You too, might think long and hard about chalking up Mitch’s hesitancy to marry to mere gender confusion. He’s probably very much aware that he’s a man. Most gay men cannot find ways to develop loving lifelong procreative relationships with straight women, and for the men who feel they cannot be good husbands to straight women, and maybe Mitch does, marriage would be a farce and unfair to their wives. Perhaps, though, you have more faith than they do/he does and you would like to offer up your daughter as a possible companion and mother?
L. Gover and Laura. This is what Elder Oaks has said on the topic of marriage:
““Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.
On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate.”
You can’t say that “the church wants you to marry to the opposite sex” nor can you say “LDS Church says homosexuals are to remain celibate and single”. Elder Oaks laid out a situation where it is appropriate and when it is not appropriate. To say that Mitch should get married doesn’t really reflect church doctrine, but neither is saying that marriage is not an option for gay/lesbian LDS members.
The world isn’t black and white. You really can’t put gay people in boxes and say what they can or can’t do. That limits their agency. Each person’s journey is unique. For some gay people, marriage is not going to happen in this life. They realize this and have learned to accept this. I think that takes great courage and strength. Mitch should be complimented for this.
For other gay people, marriage is a real option. We shouldn’t confine them by saying it is not an option. I think we should give people wings to soar, not try to dash their hopes. Just because some gay people realize that marriage is not an option to them, I don’t think we should say that it isn’t an option for all gay people.
The argument that if gay marriage becomes legal suddenly our world will depopulate because gay couples can’t procreate on their own, always makes me laugh. Your reply was awesome Laura. It’s like the argument that if gay marriage becomes legal suddenly everyone will want to become gay - it makes no sense!
The bottom line is this: There are over 1100 federal benefits afforded hetoersexual married couples that gay couples are deprived of, including survivorship benefits, hospital visitation, Social security, etc. The fact that in most states gay marriage is still illegal, gay couples will not stop being together, raising families and contributing to society. To deny them benefits based on personal religious beliefs is selfish - plain and simple.
Especially when the religion doesn’t back it up. I still shake my head that Utah is not willing to pass basic employment and housing rights that the LDS Church supports. Many of the same people who were so anxious and gun-hoe about supporting your leaders no matter what, and accusative when others didn’t fall in line, are all of a sudden singing a different tune when the Church leaders go the other direction and support gay rights legislation. Where is the falling in line behind the leaders? Where is the accusation of apostasy for not supporting the Church?
Officially, the LDS Church is in favor of hospitalization and medical care, fair housing and employment rights, and probate rights for same-sex couples, yet so many individual members are set against it. While I totally support a member’s right to vote differently than what their leaders say, I just wish they didn’t use their religion as an excuse.
While the LDS Church did not oppose the Salt Lake City ordinances eliminating discrimination based on sexual orientation or preference in matters of employment or housing, neither the Church itself nor any of its wholly owned or controlled subsidiaries, agencies or corporations has to comply with the ordinances.
The Church is nothing, if not pragmatic, though, and has developed a policy over the past 13 years wherein granting civil rights is a good compromise to allow some benefits to same-sex couples while denying full access to same-sex marriage.
That acknowledgment of rights seems to continue to expand, and just after the November 2008 election, the LDS Church went so far as to say it does not object to domestic partnership or civil union legislation “as long as these do not infringe on the integrity of the traditional family or the constitutional rights of churches” and Equality Utah has tried to get support for a number of rights, including those supported in Salt Lake City. Time will tell as support or non-support of legislation enacting domestic partnerships or civil unions becomes apparent in future campaigns.
Mitch:
That was very beautiful. You are a child of God and if I were in your shoes I would not want to be treated differently than anyone else.
- Justin
Mitch- there’s a lot of us Mormons in SLC that support you and gay marriage! You can sit with us without judgment anytime:)
I went to the Mormon church in Massachusetts for a few years growing up. I remember the first day I entered the church, I immediately felt something spiritually strong. So I asked my mother to let me attend the church on a regular basis. As a black girl, I never felt any sort of hatred towards me, in fact I was overwhelmed by everyone’s kindness and optimism on life. Every day I saw my ward increasingly diversifying.
Anyway, I stopped going to the Mormon church for personal reasons, but for the most part I didn’t have negative thoughts about the religion. Even though I no longer practiced, I still defended the church whenever the topic came up, after all, some of the nicest people I’ve meet were from the church.
That is why I was so shocked when the church played such a huge role in proposition 8 and now reading Mitch’s story I can’t believe church members were so cruel to him. Some of the things he recounted is even hard for me to imagine, because I can’t see the people I grew up with being so prejudice. Anyway, it’s good to know that not all Mormons support this anti-gay movement going on in the church, but I must say, if there was ever a time I thought I would go back, I now know that I won’t. But, I appreciate how difficult it most be for you guys to practice your faith while strongly disagreeing with the church’s view on this.
mitch
I am not gay. However, i have experienced some of the same thoughts that you have. I have a chronic illness that keeps me bedridden most of the time. My curse is that i look normal. I have been asked what i did to deserve this punishment by God. There are women who think that they deserve my husband more than i do. i have been denied ordanances that i deserve, but am percieved by one leader as not being righteous enough. i can only attend church occasionally. i assume i am being judged because of that. like you i don’t want to be pitied, accepted,tolerated, and may i add being viewed as a burden that others must carry. i am still a person with feelings.Others add to my burden by putting me in a position that i now must work thru the process of forgiveness. I must forgive the people who judge me, call me a drug addict, lazy, and undeserving. I can’t help but think of Christ on the cross, when he uttered the words-”Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” I have a life to live reguardless of WHAT others may think of me. I am going to do that the best i can, and leave the judgement up to God. Penny
Penny, I liked your post. Being gay is not an illness, but I can see how the social oppression would be similar when we are both rejected.
I really enjoyed reading your post, and I agree with you. After all that we can do with what we have been given…
I’m still not perfect, but I’m sure trying because of love…
Phil
that is beautiful what you said and I hope that you are never prejuduced by anyone or any church. and what you said is one of the reasons why I am ignostic
Wow, Mitch, incredible that you have remained true to your faith - but I see that on your challenging journey, that is part of being true to who you are.
Very important for those people of faith to know you and know who you really are.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.